The inventor of the doorbell OBVIOUSLY did not own a dog.

Why was the beaver homeless? He just couldn’t give a dam.

Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas wondered why they didn’t get taller girls?

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.

I was having the best day of my life But then I woke up.

I just had some mediocre chinese food … it was Tso Tso

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

I don’t have a problem with steroids in sports since I think anyone who can give themselves a shot is the bravest person in the world.