Why do worms taste like chewing gum ? Because they’re wrigleys !

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

Why are all italian men named Tony Because when God made them he stamped TO NY on their foreheads

I called my wife a hoe… Hey, she’s good at gardening.

As a child I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. Courtesy of Gary Delaney

My son can’t handle going to camp this year. It’s in tents

All my friends look like a Victoria’s Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake

You would think gay rights wouldn’t be a problem…. With all the fags on the internet

I had a can of beer last night and on the side it said “Best Drunk Before August, 2012. I’ve just e-mailed them thanking them for that prestigious award which, of course I graciously accept….