A big thank you to all local DJs who play marijuana themed music at 4:20. You’re doing god’s work.

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

[roadtrip] ME: I need a bathroom break FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

Sometimes there’s a huge disaster and lots of people die but it’s ok because no celebrities got divorced.

That awkward moment when someone isn’t texting you back and then you see them update their status from mobile.

Why don’t drug addicts hang out at the beach? They don’t like getting sand in their crack.

Why does Karl Marx hate earl grey? Because all proper tea is theft.

It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if their was a dog.