How much for a haircut? Barber: Fifteen dollars. How much for a shave? Barber: Ten dollars. Right – shave my head.

So much sh*t comes out your mouth, your ass is jealous.

What do you call a mini-golf club made of wasp testicles that’s covered in Reese’s Pieces? A peanut butter bee-nut putter.

Did you hear the one about the sprinkler that tried to spray a man in the eye? It completely mist!

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll.

What is a relationship? It’s the one that always sinks….

My gay friend told me never to invest in real estate. He’s super homophobic.

“The most comfortable place to put your elbows at dinner is on the table, so I’m gonna go ahead and make that bad manners.” -Some asshole

Being atheist is like buying a floor model No assembly required.

Did you know Kurt Cobain had dandruff? They found his Head & Shoulders behind the couch.