People who believe in aliens are such freaking idiots. I’ll tweet more about it when I get back from my Bigfoot hunt tonight.

Why are orphans terrible at baseball? They’ve never known what home is.

I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.

Friendship Application, Question One: If you see that my selfie has 0 likes, will you like it faster than humanly possible?

What did one fetus say to the other? Guess we’re wombmates!

Why would Koreans make great jazz musicians? Because they have Seoul.

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private. I ate 32 bananas today & made $725. I have diarrhea.

Wore a hospital gown to work today and faked a cough for 5 minutes, and they said I could have the break room all to myself.

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

A white couple doesn’t just simply ‘have a baby’ without posting a pic of them showing her growing gut every day for 9 months.