Death is like a chance to fuck in high school or college If you find out how it was close – you will be surprised.

Wife: can you pick up milk? Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy Wife: I mean from the store Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

So Kim Jong Un just banned sarcasm in North Korea… Well that’s good. Proves everything he did before that was all 100% serious

If you don’t order beef for dinner… That’s a missed steak.

Why does the Leaning Tower of Pisa lean? It is italicized.

Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.

How do you fix a broken pizza? Use tomato paste.

Ever had sex while camping? It’s fucking in tents…

Gary Coleman just died. Life is short. He died of multiple aneurysms. Different Strokes.

If Hannibal Lector is not a vegetarian, what is he? A humanitarian.