What do you call a frozen Communist? A hammer and pop-sickle

New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

Got a big audition coming up that requires me to tell a good school appropriate joke. I have plenty of jokes, none of them school appropriate. I thought I’d come here for help.

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

Me: I heard you like men with a huge collection of words that they know and can say. Her: A vocabulary? Me: A what?

What did the spanish soccer announcer invest in? **GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD**

Politicians are like diapers…. They must be changed often and for the same reason.

What is a pirate’s worst nightmare? A sunken chest and no booty.

When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I’m some sort of bear scientist.

What is it called when a reptile loses its tail? Ereptile Dysfunction