Wife and I made a deal. She gets to keep hair on her legs, and I get to keep my opinions to myself. Baby steps.

You know what the difference between “Pay to Win” and “Play to Win” is? L. Which stands for “Lots of Money”.

They say my generation is completely narcissistic … They’re just jealous …

I cut my finger on a beer can, I now know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.

In my defense, my response to her inquiry as to how my day was going was “I’m less stabby than normal” not “Please tell me about your cat.”

I know Tinder is gonna help me meet the right person because all it takes is a mutual like of Virgin America on Facebook.

Nobody knows why our shoemaker always makes the insides of his shoes rock-hard… They say he was just born without a sole

The doctor says I cut my sentences short.

[at the aquarium] Son [pointing at a large tank]: daddy what’s that Me: tank Son: no what lives in the tank Me: water

What’s the difference between pussy and parsley? People actually eat pussy..