TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth] TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

I’m still not convinced Mitt Romney was born.

ANOTHER CHICKEN, ANOTHER ROAD Q: Why did the stoner cross the road? A: Who else would follow a chicken?

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

So there we were, 5 against a 100… man, did we fuck those 5 up.

Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun? Because she had her nose in a hamburger.

Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $47! -Attorneys

What do you call a hooker who likes noodles? A Pastatute

If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.