I got my car towed by a celebrity yesterday. I don’t even have THAT big of a car.

Haters are like crickets You can’t see them but you can hear them, and when you walk by them they are quiet.

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.

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The Class of 2019

New science shows that diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Wanna go bike riding?

What does the unemployed starving man ask his rich baker friend? I just need some bread

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding. She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

Walks into a bar A neutron walks into a bar and asks “how much for a beer?” The bartender says, “for you? no charge.”