I said, should we go to my place? She said, “Come to my house tomorrow, no ones gonna be home. ” I went to her house. No one was there.

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone. Guess who has a new ringtone.

What did the rock say when he had to leave his girlfriend for a long time? I pumice I’ll come back soon!

Damn girl! Your name must be Ebola… All I can think about is you spreading.

What’s the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school? I don’t know, I just fly the drone!

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

What’s the difference between batman and a black man? Batman can go out at night without Robin.

How do you know a chinese thief has broken into your house? All of your rice is gone, your computer is fixed, and the mother fucker is still trying to back out of the driveway.

Girl if you though you saw the whole bakery, you ain’t seen muffin yet

My dick is like and old antenna television… …it takes a pair of needle nosed pliers, and a few smacks from my father to get turned on.