*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt* I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

Class action lawsuits are like lottery tickets for people who complain a lot.

Why do spoons live such diverse lives? They like to mix it up.

Waiting for the day when parents finally admit that their kid is in fact ugly instead of thinking they have the most beautiful kid ever.

I love the way that the earth rotates it really makes my day

Where is Engagement, Ohio? Between Dayton and Marion.

“Grow a pear.” – How to insult an apple tree

The guy who coined the phrase,”I’m not gettin any younger.” The guy he said it to then coined the phrase,”No shit, Sherlock.”

(30 year old white guy voice) what we need is change in the political system which is why im voting for my neighbors dog that bites children

What do you call the area between Pamela Anderson’s breasts? Silicon Valley