I’m not saying my wife’s a fat,…… I’m not saying my wife’s a fat, greedy bitch, but she’s just cleaned the cooker with two fucking slices of bread.

Stop calling me a Karma Whore I’m a Karma Escort.

What do music producers eat for breakfast? Fruity Loops

You shouldn’t come back, because later you’ll still want to leave.

I can’t pull a rabbit out of a hat. But I can pull a hair out of my ass.

So these two blind men tried to start a glasses business, but they were always arguing… …guess they couldn’t see each others vision.

If you see a white guy in earbuds convulsing angrily with T. Rex arms, don’t freak out. I’m just jamming out to Eminem.

I don’t know why people use odorless deodorant It makes no scents!

Why don’t girls wear skirts in the winter time? Cuz they’ll get chapped lips. Brr.

What do you get if you cross a phone with a mouthwash? Tele-Scope.