Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

My roommates get angry when I steal their kitchen utensils But frankly, thats a whisk I’m willing to take.

Are you a cat because you’re purrrrrrfect.

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals? Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away. Me: *looks warily at our kids*

How many bears could Bear Grylls grill if Bear Grylls could grill bears? Seven.

If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? Ans : No time at all it is already built.

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

What’s green and comes out of your nose at 160mph? A lambo-greenie!

I want to marry a girl named Jane So that when our kids act out, I can just say it runs in the janepool.

My dick is like an airplane MH17