A pirate walks into a bar… Ouch.

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman. I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

When you get pulled over by a cop… A cop pulled me over and said “Papers…” So I said “Scissors!” and drove off ; )

How do you make a cat bark? Wrap it around a tree

What did the pilot who fail flying school did when he went home? Got high.

Snoop Dogg seems to be investing in a company that will deliver weed to your house in 10 minutes… Sadly, the name Instagram is taken.

Best/worst joke out of a trip through Germany “Knock Knock” “who’s there” “brat” “brat who?” “bratwurst”

My friend asked me if I was ever going to stop singing Wonderwall… I said maybe.

Son, when I was your age, our video game controllers were hard wired to the console. And Mario had to walk uphill both ways to the castle.

My girlfriend in college left me for another woman. I completely misunderstood her when she said she was going to study a broad.