Kidnapping is such a strong word, I prefer to think of it as Surprise Adoption

I’m concentrating so hard on trying not to eat a third cupcake that I literally can’t do my job

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure. Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

Why doesn’t the KKK like Halloween? Too many spooks.

That song from Frozen is really getting old… I kind of wish people would just… Let it go

Stapling my scrotum to a tree… Not a great way to start any evening…

What book did the rabbit take on vacation? One with a hoppy ending.

[First day working in a warehouse] ME: What’s that machine for? “Oh, that’s the forklift” ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

Condoms 1272AD – Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats. 1856AD – English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

I’ve got two part time jobs. I’m a boxer, and a warm up act at the comedy club. I read between the punchlines.