When pinguins fly, you are probably drowning.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

Ole! What does a fat white chick and a cinder block have in common???Both will eventually get laid by a Mexican!!!

You know what gets me down? Gravity…

Why would anyone ever think gay people tear apart the fabric of society? They love fabric.

Why does the U.S. Navy use powdered soap? It takes longer to pick up.

My new favorite sex position is called “wow”. It’s where I turn your mom upside down.

A mathematician was pregnant Her friend asked her: – Boy or girl? – Yes.

Stand in a crowd, put your finger to your ear secret agent style, say out loud “target is in site!”, see who panics.

[Woods] SNOW WHITE: Oh, what a lovely little house! GOLDILOCKS: [in ski mask] Beat it, sister. I’ve been scoping this place out for weeks.