What’s up with black people? They’re not black… And they’re not people.

It’s true what they say about the cast of the new ghostbusters film. They truly have no dick.

People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.

*deliberately drops paper in front of cute girl* Oh my goodness was that my…(sexy voice) political science degree

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

Wanna hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.

I can’t stand Freud… him and his motherfucking complex.

A dog with only 3 legs walks into a saloon in the Old West He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender looks up and shouts, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” “You have a drink called Steve?”

Why is a train a bad person to go to the bar with? Because all he says is “Chug Chug Chug”