Sometimes when I’m down on life, I think to myself… “At least I’m not addicted to crack.” And then I feel alot better about myself.

So apparently when a woman asks what you’re looking for in a relationship, “a way out” isn’t the right answer.

You’re like a brand new pencil pointless

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

My sister is a 13 on the pH scale. She’s basic but can’t even.

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses. He replied,”Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again.” Trump 20:16

Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants. Everyone heard you leaving.

How do you kill a poet? Give them real self confidence.