Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

Anyone wanting to hide information from me should just put it in a spreadsheet and email it to me.

The prequel to 16 & Pregnant could be called “15 & Fully Trusted By Her Parents to Make Good Decisions. We Love You Brittani!”

Did you hear about the guy who invented Knock-Knock jokes? He won the no bell prize!

None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It’s because fish can’t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.

It’s kinda corny… What did baby corn say to momma corn? “Where’s pop corn?”

why didn’t the american leek want to talk to the japanese leek? because it was negi

How do you get a Nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy…

Him: I like meatier girls. Me: I killed the dinosaurs. Him: What? Me: What?

BEDSIDE CONFESSION Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time. Julie: “I should warn you, Ted: I’ve got acute angina.” Ted: “Your breasts aren’t bad either.