Looking back on Britain’s 2016. The year most middle aged men went from wanting to fuck Nigella to wanting to fuck Nigel up.

1: Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

What vegetable is the favourite of British people? Queuecumbers.

MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Bleecker St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Ted Cruz are left on a deserted island, Who survives? America.

I see your eyes lookin me up and down, baby. Mhmm. Huh? Toilet paper hangin out of my pants? Oh.

“We’ve isolated the gene for the long, drawn-out sigh!” -Sighentists

How do you confuse Hellen Keller? Give her a basketball and tell her to read it.

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

The joke about The bed hasn’t been made up yet. And the joke about the kitchen… Well, it’s too dirty to tell. I have plenty more of these.