Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

I’m really conflicted about abortion. I support killing babies, but I don’t support giving women a choice.

A time traveller walks into a bar… http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsgus/and_the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/

I pull more tail.. ..than a slow kid at a petting zoo.

Clinton to Trump: Release your tax returns! I have never seen them. Trump: …but I emailed them to you. Of course you’ve never seen them.

I never trust atoms They make up everything.

Why did the black man have a heart attack? afrosclerosis

What’s similar about a shy jihad and a bagpipe They only make noise once they’ve been blown up.

On a scale of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky… how much do you love kids?

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft