Help! I’ve been robbed! They stole everything except my deodorant, shampoo and hand soap. Dirty bastards

Rumour… I heard a rumour that a man in town is selling a fake bedside-clock. It’s a false alarm.

Ladies: If “snuggling” is so important to you, have the guy do that BEFORE you have sex. Trust me…… He’ll snuggle and snuggle and snuggle…

Ferguson shoe store broken into and looted everything but the work boots section.

What do you call a sketchy place in Italy? The “spaghetto”

My friend told me he has developed a lung disease… I told him to explain it to me asbestos he can.

What’s the best day to eat bacon? Fry-day.

This Petraeus scandal is getting real confusing. I hope I didn’t sleep with him.

“Just because you Can’t dance, doesn’t mean you Shouldn’t dance.” Alcohol.

What’s the difference between jelly and jam? I can’t jelly my dick in your ass.