I was absolutely disgusted when a gay guy came on to me at the bar. After kicking his ass out the door, I went for a towel to clean it off.

On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back … … and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century.

My boss told me, “you’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?” I replied, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track”

Listen up, single people. You can only sleep with so many people. Sooooo many people. So so so many.

Why do we call lady parts beavers? Because they devour wood.

What is the difference between a gun and a feminist? A gun only has one trigger

You were so beautiful, until your 30 day trial of photoshop ended.

Just when you think parenting can’t be any weirder, you find yourself consoling your son, upset that he can’t get a squirrel to hug him.

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

My friend brought me to a club for philosophical digging. It got pretty deep. ^*I* ^*tried*