[a postapocalyptic world where everyone has killed themselves so they dont have to hear my opinions] me: lemme explain y this is problematic

Which is Donald Trump’s favourite music album? the wall by pink floyd

Girls: just remember each morning when you put on makeup, somewhere in the world a clown is starting his day doing exactly the same thing.

[exchanging vows] HIM: I’ll love you forever. HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail. HIM: Wait, what?! PRIEST: No, that’s fair.

What’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The respirator. (My dad told me this while he was cooking asparagus)

Fact – If you add “ish” to your time, like 9:00ish, you’re never late for anything

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

I think Stu does not gets the recognition he deserves Without him, those who are studying would just be dying.

[robbers outside bank] When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks “But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

How did Charles Darwin die? Natural causes.