[NSFW] Next time you’re constipated, just watch Fox News or CNN. They bother the shit out of everyone.

What language are you speaking? Cause it sounds like bullshit.

What’s 18 inches long, and makes a woman scream the entire night? Her dead baby.

This will be the fifth year in a row that my in-laws will come over for Christmas… I think this time, we should let them in…

My laziness is like the number 8. Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.

What’s the difference between a man’s balls and Jehovah’s Witnesses? There’s none. They both knock on the door, but never goes in!

How did Hitler pick up Jewish girls? With a dustpan…

A photon checks into a hotel… The bellhop asks him if he has any luggage and the photon replies “No. I’m travelling light.”

How do they launch a champagne factory? They throw a boat at it.

I saw an advert that read: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, I can’t turn that down.