Two cows are standing in a field …and one says to the other, “Say, are you worried about this mad cow disease going around?” And the other one says, “Why should I care? I’m a helicopter! PFFFFFT!”

Me: coming to the office Xmas party? Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

1. Religion. 2. ? 3. Prophet.

What do you call a dead baby with a yeast infection? ……. a quarter pounder with cheese.

I will ride you like a helicopter. Totally out of control.

A CW told me for the 50th time that her baby learned how to walk so I told her”if you really wanna impress me lmk when it learns how to fly”

How do you know if an introvert likes you when you’re talking to them? They’ll stare at your shoes instead of theirs.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are sitting in the first grade, who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she’s 18.

From where did the sperm whale get it’s name? Ask your grandparents.

Here’s an oldie but a goodie. Your Mom.