I’m half Muslim I’m only entitled to 36 virgins

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

My pregnant dog licked the floor after I cleaned it with ammonia… my vet said she was a basic bitch.

I can’t hear out of my ear… It’s really EAR-itating

The IOC has claimed that they will catch Olympic drug cheats. I’m not so sure – they’re pretty fucking fast.

Knock Knock Who’s there ! Argo ! Argo who ? Argo down the shops ! Kn

What did the slutty girl buy at the furniture store? One nightstand.

Sign in a store window during a blizzard “Got frostbite? Fingerless gloves, half off!”

OMG another Chilean just got voted out of the mine, can’t wait to see who wins

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message