How many Americans does it take to change a bulb? None, Mexicans do it for them.

How did Darth Vader cross the street? Ewoked.

If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I’d have to pick: My girlfriend.

[job interview] “What would you say is your greatest strength? I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

My favorite word is penetration. My second favorite word is done.

What’s big, thick, hairy, and makes babies? Your mom.

Why was the Mathematician frowned upon? He was a chronic math-debater

So I ordered the Best of Pitbull CD off Amazon. All I got was a blank CD.

[puts dog in car] Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet Wife: why u whispering [car screeches away] Me with wife in headlock: thats why

What’s the fastest land animal on earth? An Ethiopian chicken