Just been banned from my church’s Easter service. Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

In hell, every day is Thanksgiving and you’re never allowed to unbutton your pants.

What’s the difference between a dirty old bus station and a lobster with boobs? A repost.

me: [raises hand] my date: again, that’s not necessary

(NSFW) What’s the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy? When you’re eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.

What’s the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair (credit to my physics teacher’s wife)

Not now, kids. Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

When I die I want my body donated to science Specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life.

A guy ties up his dog and walks into a barber shop He says aloud ” Bob Peters” The barber says “No we only do haircuts here”

I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.