A guy walks into a zoo. The only animal there was a dog. It was a shih tzu.

Why couldn’t the whistleblower leave his driveway? Because he was snowed in.

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn had a huge argument over whether to circumcise their son Lindsey went downhill from there, but Tiger made the cut.

Why does skrillex suck at fishing? He always drop the bass. sorry

[on plane] Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw Me: Nooooo

42.7 percent of all statistics… …are made up on the spot.

What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common? They both say insert Bill

What do ghosts watch if they want to relax? Skelly-vision!

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a gun to it’s head and tell it to.