Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

I still remember the last words my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket. “Hey! How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

War Machine is such a hard worker… That he even took his work home with him.

I hate when people say ‘I died laughing’, and don’t die.

Have you heard about the dyslexic satanist? Sold his soul to Santa.

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? Zero, they just beat the room for being black

True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

Why did the idiot stare at a carton of orange juice? It said ‘concentrate’ on it

Do you know how to make a Venetian Blind? Poke them in the eye