What is a Mafia enforcer’s favorite game? Whack-A-Mole

You know what’s odd? Numbers not divisible by 2.

Know who loves to get fisted? Sock puppets.

Why wouldn’t the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade? There were too many vets.

My dad caught me sniffing at my sister’s underwear …while she was still wearing it. Everyone in the funeral couldn’t believe what they were seeing

My wife and i decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard…

I tried to steal a didgeridoo from a museum… I didgeri-shouldn’t-have-done-that. 3 years….

“What did you do today, mommy?” “I invented names, like ‘Grand Theft Anal’ and ‘Mortal Cumbath” on Twitter, and you?”

Every time Mila Kunis comes on my TV I do too

The first question aliens will ask our leaders is why that peanut is wearing a top hat and monocle.