a magician was driving down the road… then he turned into a driveway

Whenever I go to McDonalds, they always ask me “What can I get you?” and I always say “Give me a second.” And they always give me the number two.

Why should you eat your soup in a cup? So that it’s not ebola soup.

my mom took me to “bring your kids to work day” when I was younger- the day went all right, but I just dont think the other strippers liked me.

I bet you $20 I can tell you the score of the big game tonight before it even starts. Broncos: 0 Panthers: 0

What is the only type of folder that can make you sick? Salmon Manilla

Therapist: what’s your problem today? Me: I have this constant eye roll. Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it 5: You should just send me

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur’s table? Circumference