Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

Where did Suzy go when the bombs fell? Everywhere.

Every time you say you’re humble, I want to buy you a dictionary.

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

Why is it detrimental to have a robot with repressed sexual interests? It has some kinks to work out.

A black man went into a bank and asked for a job. “You’re in luck!” said the manager. $50 thousand a year, and a car!! “You’re joking!” said the black man. “Of course I’m joking. But you started it!!”

It should be illegal to play a police siren on the radio. Signed, my pants.

What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it? Au-burn ^He^^He^^^He^^^^He

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

If Being with someone is so great…. ….then why do all my married friends ask me how to delete their internet histories?