Are you guys alright? No you are all left.

You wanna know the best food to eat when sad? Cheerios

What is Batman’s least favorite Sex Act? The Pearl Necklace.

Everyone in the world but you is a robot and the experiment is going really poorly.

Jackie stood quietly as her father examined her report card. “What is this 45 in math?” asked her father. “I think that’s the size of the class” she said quickly!

How can you tell when a drummer’s at the door? He doesn’t know when to come in

I’m 40 and my girlfriend is 20. We were at a bar tonight and people kept giving us dirty looks. Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

After 3 months of Crest White Strips, my teeth are so white they bought me a gift card to Anthropologie & wont stop talking about Mad Men.

Brutally honest? I’m always honest … I guess the brutality would depend on your level of aversion to the truth

How do you get away with murder? Become a cop first.