My three year old had a nightmare last night He lost his ipad

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Spaniard walk into a bar.. The Icelander couldn’t come because he was still at the European Cup

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

BoB had 35 Kakes. He ate 30 of them. What does BoB have Now? He have diabetes

What is a frog’s favorite dance? The Lindy Hop.

PARENTS: if you have an ugly child, please don’t post 8 million pictures of them online. Thank you.

Women only call me ugly until they see how much money I make… Then they don’t call me at all

What begins at the end and ends at the beginning? Back to school ads

Somebody told me I need to give my new Smart Car a name. So I called it ‘Octomom’ because even though I can technically fit 8 people in there, it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.