A quadriplegic goes on a blind date… And he gets stood up.

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist says “I’ll have h2o” The second scientist says “I’ll have a water” The first scientist goes back home and rethinks his assassination plan.

Little monster: Mom I’ve finished. Can I leave the table? Mommy monster: Yes I’ll save it for your supper.

What happened to the cold jellyfish ? It set !

What did they name the Chinese remake of “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs”? It’s Raining Cats and Dogs

My wife likes to look at my face while we have sex. So i gave her a picture of me for when she goes out.

Spin the bottle is a lot like Russian Roulette if there’s an ugly person there.

Two fish in a tank. One asks: How do you drive this thing?

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

The Four Types of Orgasms The Good “oh yes, oh yes” The Bad “oh no, oh no” The Religious “oh god, oh god” And the Fake “Oh *person’s name*”