Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

A paedophile says to a school boy “I’ll give you a lolly if you come into the van” The boy replies “Give me the whole bag and I’ll cum into your mouth”.

What did Putin say when he was finally fed up with Boris Nemtsov? I’m putin’ that guy to sleep

I can explain a paradox They sit right next to each other in the water

What’s the difference between Jelly and Jam? I can’t Jelly my dick in an ass.

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

My girlfriend walked in on me putting on a condom. She said, “What are you doing?” I said, “Wrapping your Christmas present!”

There’s been a lot of scammers claiming they’re from the electric company calling to get payments from overdue bills… They’re getting pretty crafty- they even turned off my electricity.

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

A vegan buddhist… …decides to jump off the roof of a meat factory as the ultimate form of protest believing that he will be reincarnated. He became a vegetable.