*returns four pounds of skirt steak to butcher* I’m sorry. This just doesn’t fit me like I thought it would.

WHAT’S a pirate’s fav’rite Letter? Aye, ye think it be RRRRR, but it’s the C.

Why don’t lobsters share? They’re shellfish.

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

It’s amazing with all of the bars in Boston that AT&T; only has one.

What Do you call an alligator in a vest? An a investigator.

TIFU by forgetting that today is Fathers day But it’s actually on the 21st…soooo

I’m on a new diet where all I eat is soup on weekdays. It’s called: Miso Hungry.

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

Every time I read news about ISS Im like what did ISIS do this time… half way through the article… how the hell did they get to space. Oh wait damn you dyslexia!! edit: joke