I fucked this girl for an hour and 45 seconds last night. Thanks daylight savings.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb. One, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

If a letter sounds like its name… …is it an LMNOP-uh?

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

Why can’t your hear a pteradactyl go to the toilet? Because the p is silent.

What do people wear when they go to a new planet? Terraformal wear.

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

You’re so fat, they oughta call your dick “Gary Oldman” …Cause it always disappears into a roll.

A joke my Google pixel told me Two fish are in a tank and one says to another,”how do you drive this thing”