I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

Why are giraffes slow to apologize? It takes them a long time to swallow their pride

There’s no I in you. Yet.

My long-term goal is to change the world, so I step on a lot of butterflies.

Son: Dad, I just had sex. Dad: Good job son, sit down, we need to talk about something. Son: I can’t.

I’m single by choice Not my choice though, every girl I’ve ever asked out’s choice.

(A math joke.) What did the acorn say when it grew up? Gee, I’m a tree.