Did you hear about the Mexican hit-man who was a chronic masturbator? He got excited when he was ordered to rub Juan out.

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

How do you know which potato is a prostitute? It’s the one that says, “Idaho.”

What do you get if you cross an eel with a shopper? A slippery customer.

Every Scooby-Doo mystery could be solved by asking, “1: Who is your most disgruntled employee?” and “2: Does he have access to a mask shop?”

The pen is mightier than the sword. Unless you have like three followers then go with the sword

[All credit to Ana Kasparian from the TYT Network] So, I heard Kim Kardashian is having Kanye West’s baby… At least she let him finish.

What’s the greatest symbol of inequality? =

I’m not flirting. I’m just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive.

Skinny Jeans All jeans are skinny jeans if you’re fat enough.