I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

(Trump rally) Trump: I’ll take questions now. Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought? Trump: More water. Crowd: *cheers wildly*

In a group friends when you laugh you will always look at the person you like the most… Thats why I always sit next to a mirror.

Its Valentines Day…If u r married go & kiss your wife or husband , if u have a gfbf ..do the same ..n if u r single, kiss the ground and thank GOD !! =)). HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

Did you hear about the cross-eyed carpenter? He *literally* can’t even.

Jew problems An old jew comes to a rabbi and says: “Please help me, my son became a christian!” The rabbi replies: “i can’t help you, god has the same problem.”

What’s tall, handsome and muscular? Not you!

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

How did he get from Afghanistan to Iraq? Iran (He ran). Thought of this when looking at the world map, sorry that it’s terrible.

*looks at you in batman voice*