Arjen Robben goes down easier than a thirsty tourist in Magaluf.

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

Her: Undress me with your words… Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

Why did the condom go flying through the air? … It got pissedoff.

Did you hear the library at the University of Alabama burned down this morning? All three books were destroyed. One of them wasn’t even colored in yet.

You want to urge someone to do something ASAP, when do you use “come to” instead of “come on”? come to me…

Are you on a date with me or with your phone? Just make sure that phone pays your share of this bill by the end of the night.

I’m so fresh… …I get put in the produce section.

A pakistani cabbie called me a racist I didn’t say a word and left the cab. Because you don’t negotiate with terrorists

A dad asks 4-year-old son: “How’d you sleep last night?” Son says: “umm… With my eyes closed?” Edit: This actually happened btw. Probably funnier irl.