I want to be a father someday But my son says I should start now

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex… Just this morning she asked me “Is that the best you can do?”

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

How are women and hurricanes alike? The both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat The Wheelchair Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat, The wheelchair

What do politicians do for fun? Rave at the party.

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

Nudist’s have the right idea.. Screw laundry!