“All the single ladies… All the single ladies… All the single ladies…” – list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

Hey girl, are you a group of integrable functions? because I would love to find the area under those curves

I bought my Dad a cheap dictionary for Christmas. He couldn’t find the right words to thank me.

I pay a monthly membership fee that lets me think about going to a gym.

I cried when my dad chopped up onions for his sandwich.. Onions was always my favorite dog…

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself? me: It was on sale for $4 friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

I was changing some fuses at Buzzfeed… … Number 14 shocked me.

What do making love in a canoe and Budweiser have in common? Both are fucking close to water.

Me: We need to hire smarter people. HR: Why? Me: Is there someone smarter I can talk to about this? HR…

I like to play chess with old men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them.