Who would win a battle between an orangutan and a hyena? I don’t know, but we’ll find out November 8, 2016.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

[DATE] ME: I’m a literature buff HER: who do you read? ME: read? *cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

BILL COSBY Rapped me in the arse with a pudding pop!

Whats the difference between a circus and The Rockettes? The circus is a cunning array of stunts…

Q: What is a bellybutton for? A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

Oh great! Now my phone is calling me a low life. Oh wait it’s low battery life sorry that was my self esteem reading it wrong

did you hear about this new fish? nevermind it’s satill in beta

How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ? You can feel his presents …

How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin.