Her: Why’s the couch smell like pee? [Flashback to me watching The Ring alone] Me: *points at son* I think someone had another “accident.”

My girlfriend must think I’m rich and dying She keeps telling me to leave her a loan

The milkman A man comes home to his wife and says ‘apparently the milkman has slept with every woman on this street except one’, his wife replies ‘I bet it’s that stuck up cow at number 12’

It’s that time of the month for robots iPads

The one knock knock joke I’m sure you’ve never heard. …Silence….

Nothing intrigues me more than wondering who inspired the DO NOT DRINK stickers on the back of cement trucks.

People who take things literally on twitter, stop. Wait. First take this tweet literally, then stop.

Traffic..The only jam that doesn’t go on toast

I’ve always wanted to shake Muhammad Ali’s hand Unfortunately, Parkinson’s beat me to it.

Cop: did you do it? Me: no Cop: you know it’s truthful Tuesday right? Me: it’s actually Wednesday Cop: damn it, who’s your crush then