Did you hear about the guy that got married to a T.V. antenna? I guess the wedding was boring, but the reception was great.

What’s the best way to make pants last? Make the jacket first.

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat* even if you already have a cat, *replaces it with a worse cat*

I went to the zoo the other day,… there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.

Never own a pet store. Stores make bad pets.

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

I can’t believe its pancake day again already.. It’s really creped up on me!

What do you get when a deaf guy tries to talk to you at a urinal? Wet

Nothing adults love more than telling people how exhausted they are. It’s like a sadness competition.